Man...I am SO not feeling groovy today.
Yesterday started off promisingly enough, until my mother called to relay the details of a conversation she'd had with my sister regarding my ongoing estrangement with my siblings. The prognosis didn't look good. Anger on both sides and my sister, the oldest and wishing to keep the hierarchy of power firmly in place, wasn't budging. She'd be willing to talk, but I have to make the first move as always. If not, no further communication as per the past few years. Apparently, it wouldn't make much difference to them.
I've decided enough is enough. It's painful, but I'm tired of going on with the status quo. I'm tired of being low man on the totem pole. I'm tired of the truth being skewed to suit them to the point where "our" mother is convinced that I'm the problem.
My mother asked if I felt there could ever be any "closeness" and I countered with my own question: "How would that be possible when there was never any to begin with?" You can't get blood from a stone.
As the conversation progressed, I felt a sickness in my stomach, a heaviness in my heart and a numbness in my brain. What am I after anyway? What am I still fighting for? Nothing. There was nothing there and there never will be. I've been chasing after the "idea" of family all along, not the actual people who have treated me like part of the woodwork my whole life while insisting that I've got it all wrong.
I have my own family now. They're all that matters. I'm a mom now. I don't need a mommy anymore. I have to finally accept that.
My monkey mind quieted enough to drift off to sleep last night and this morning when I awoke, there was that feeling. You know the feeling. That first thing in the morning "Oh yeah, that happened" feeling. That not so groovy feeling.
I'm not in the groove. I'm in a funk. It isn't exactly the best week for happiness anyway, if you catch my drift and as much of the population prepares for Super Bowl parties, I'm trying my best not to throw myself a pity party.
So I'm making brownies. The legal kind. And I've got two pugs on my lap. Things are already looking up.
When I look in the rear view mirror of the VW microbus of life, things haven't always been too cool, man. But there's a road ahead and I think it'll be less rocky because it's being newly paved.
Our family is a broken one, too.
ReplyDeleteSo sad, but there is a reality to life, right?
My therapist snapped my mind where it should be when she grew tired of my lamenting and gave it to me straight: "Why do you continue to look for something in a place where you have never gotten it?"
Shazaam, right, Gomer?
SHAEFFINZAM.
You can email me, I hear you, and I know--it hurtss.
Shazam indeed! It's like a thunderbolt, right? What have I been doing? Time for a change. Thanks for this. xox
DeleteI've quit crappy people before, and I'm telling you, it's a huge weight off of your shoulders.
ReplyDeleteI hear that. I need a monster massage the way my shoulders feel right now. Crappy people, I'm quittin' you.
DeleteI have a lot to say on this one. When The Hubs and I decided to have a small wedding (read: no extended family or friends), my mother's sister completely stopped speaking to me and, over the years, I've been privy to some of the shit she's said about me. As she hosts all family functions, I wasn't invited to anything until my uncle hosted last year. And yet my mother has made comments over the year to make it seem as if I created the rift. When my daughter was born, I stopped caring so much. I just don't have the time. Time has taught me that the people who matter most are the ones who stick around no matter what. The rest can go to hell! ;)
ReplyDeleteDamn. When I hear what other people go through with their families, I think "wow - how can so much petty shit be going on?" and yet it is. So much misunderstanding that gets blown out of proportion, so many people foisting their expectations on others. I'm so sorry you had to go through that Dani. And I really admire your resolve. Isn't it especially frustrating and effed up when they turn it around to make you look like the problem? Oy. You're right. Life's short and who has time for dat? Shitty people taking up valuable real estate in our hearts and minds. Fuck that. Thanks for sharing your story with me.
DeleteOh, do I know how you're feeling. You hit it exactly right about 'chasing the "idea" of family' - that's a tough one to get past. It's why so many abused wives stay with their abuser partners, and abused kids still have love for their abuser parents. I will share with you that my father once kicked my ass up the street in front of a lot of my friends (this was after my mother dragged me by my hair out of the place I wasn't supposed to be). I was fifteen. For years my father would recount that story as though it was just another 'funny' family story. It took me a very long time to say, no. That isn't funny.
ReplyDeleteWhen I became a mother, I was determined to protect my kid from the things that I could control, like access to soul-crushing family members. That more than anything gave me enough distance and clarity to understand, once and for all, that we have to accept the things we cannot change, and change the things we can, and that is good enough.
I wish you peace and love and letting go. You deserve it!
Wow Mary, that's awful. And it's amazing how people can view very hurtful events in such a casual way. I tell myself that something's not right in their heads - that they somehow lack the ability to make the distinction. But in any event, it's toxic to be involved with people like that. You make a great deal of sense, my friend. Thank you. I wish you all of those things too. You deserve it as well! xox
DeleteI'm sorry that you're hurting. Family dynamics can be the worst thing of all. Take care of yourself!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you are in a funk. I was always very close with my siblings growing up. I am the oldest of five and there is only eight years between myself and my youngest sister. We had a wonderful childhood, but as adults we've kind of drifted (part of it has to do with the addition of in-laws and just being at different phases in life--only two of us have started families of our own). The past is the past--can't be changed--we can't go back. BUT we do have the power to accept what it is now and be OPEN to the present relationship in its new form. It sounds to me like your mom really wishes things were different. And I have to admit that I feel for her in this tale. I'm trying to imagine myself in her shoes. My wish is always for my daughters to remain close and I'm sure it hurts badly when that just doesn't happen. In a way, I'm wondering if she doesn't live with some of the blame for that. That being said, I agree, you can't get blood from stone. And you are taking the right step by letting go of the past and following your own road. Best of luck!
ReplyDeleteI like what the Empress said - why look for something where you never found it? I've done that my whole life, and still catch myself wanting approval/love/acceptance from someone who is incapable of giving it. It helps to hear others, like yourself, share it. Sometimes we don't have the family we'd like.
ReplyDeleteBrownies fix a lot. So does the love of the family you do have. My little family is still small, but it's a start.