That most bountiful of holidays is almost upon us. We are about to gorge ourselves silly and in case we need that extra something to get us through a day of family, we'll be drinking heavily.
It's Thanksgiving night and you are finally hearing the blessed sound of your relatives' muffler scraping the pavement of your street as they head home. You've got your stretchy pants on - at last. The hunger pangs have just hit again and you suddenly remember that fridge is a treasure trove of earthy delights.
Let's face it - you're under the influence. Your coordination is shot to shit, you're tired and not thinking straight. What are you doing, man? You don't even want to think about trying to operate complicated machinery like the stove, microwave or toaster oven. You could lose a digit or worse, a limb. It's just not worth it.
And that's not all. You're paranoid as hell. Walk away from the microwave. WALK AWAY It's not worth it. "Holy shit man! Dude, what if I open the door before it beeps and those radioactive waves zap me and I'm suddenly the size of one of those Playmobile people and the dog tries to eat me!"
Solution? Go cold. It's safer, easier and what do you care - you're drunk anyway.
So before you go all "9 1/2 Weeks " on the kitchen floor in front of the fridge at midnight, here are my favorite Thanksgiving leftovers to eat cold. The sauce to attack when you're sauced, the potatoes to devour while loaded, what to stuff yourself with although you're already stuffed.
1. Cranberry Sauce
Make sure it's the jellied kind that's shaped like the can. You want it to go down easy. Chewing is hard. But break it up with a spoon first. No choking on my watch, people. And don't use a knife. I don't want to hear about stab wounds.
2. Mashed potatoes
Oh sweet little baby Jesus, yes! You would be amazed how good these are cold. Especially if you dump a handful of bacon bits on them along with a pat of butter. Loaded potatoes, baby!
3. Candied yams
This crap should be eaten while drunk anyway. I'm sorry, there are lots of people who enjoy this dish and I've probably just offended all of them. But this goopy, overly sweet mess is just better off consumed when you don't realize what you're actually doing.
My sister in law makes White Castle stuffing every year. Now, I don't know about you, but that was the place the band would head to at 2 am after about 100 beers. Stuffing and White Castle together? The perfect drunk Thanksgiving food. You can gum it and it's got that whole nostalgic angle going for it. Picture yourself masticating enthusiastically in your van in the middle of the WC parking lot, lit only by those dim fluorescents in a beautiful recapturing of your youth.
5. Green Bean Casserole
Alas...the Queen Mother of leftovers! Indeed, probably my favorite side. I'm a midwestern girl born and bred and I haven't met a green bean casserole I didn't like. It's brilliant cold and I have stood countless times at the open refrigerator door in the wee hours with a spoon and a smile, partaking of this prefab magic. Always make extra because then you're only 10 steps and a few vodka tonics away from culinary bliss.
So go ahead and indulge with unbridled passion this Thanksgiving! Gobble gobble.