It's not even December yet, Mod Mom - what are you talking about? Why the rush? I'm still cranking out leftover turkey pot pies...slow the freak down, woman!
Hear me out. First of all, it's Thursday. By this time of the week, we're two full days shy of Cocktail Saturday and four days into the bullshit of the week. So far, I have mentally ingested enough daytime talk TV, news and public interaction to say with a certain amount of confidence that I am ready to make a few suggestions for the world at large to consider when planning a list of resolutions.
1. Can we please stop talking about Lindsey Lohan and behaving as though this is real news?
|Yeah Honey. It bores us too.|
For the love of Gawd, I'm begging you. "You" meaning, the media and the public. This morning's lead story everywhere we turned was the latest arrest and all the up to the minute details. The channel 5 news correspondent I was watching at 7 this morning delivered the news as though she was covering a natural disaster. Out of breath and visibly light headed - probably at the very thought that she was covering such a heady story that could forever alter her career - tripping over her words and spitting them forth in such breathless rapid succession, promising exclusive details if we could only hang on for a few short moments. This is the same shit we went through yesterday when Bieber wore overalls to accept an award from the Canadian Prime Minister. "Then don't watch it" you say? T'would be my pleasure if there was but an escape - ANYWHERE. Listen; if I want my news served up in Tiger Beat form, I'll watch TMZ. Otherwise, can we stick to the Gaza Strip, the Fiscal Cliff and what the hell...I'll even watch a couple minutes of Mitt Romney pumping his own gas.
2. Enough Honey Boo Boo already.
|Pointing in the general direction of reclaimed obscurity. |
Alright Boo Boo...start walkin'...
I realize that by mentioning these things, I'm giving credence to them in some small way. But I sin to bring about change. We all purport to share a certain level of disdain for the freak show that is TLC and it's latest white trash super smash phenomenon. But have you noticed how much it gets mentioned EVERYWHERE? Anderson Cooper has taken to generating Honey Boo Boo names for each of his guests on the latest inception of his talk show. I get that his intent is to poke fun. But his faux mockery seems to drive more attention toward the absurdity. Case in point: How many times is he going to send that Olive Garden Lady to review restaurants? I was in the audience the second time Marilyn Hagerty guested and she is a sweet lady who at least seems unaware that the joke is on her. Either that, or she's smart enough to take advantage. Two cruises and a few trips to Manhattan doesn't suck, does it Marilyn? As for Honey Boo Boo? Look away. Resist the urge to talk about it. Help make it go away. Send it to the island of Real Housewives from Everywhere. Be gone. Like... as in...David Copperfield making the Statue of Liberty disappear, go away.
3. Female Television Personalities...this is shallow, but so are you. I submit that you cease and desist the incessant lubrication of your extremities. Yes, so many of you are going bare legged and you'd like your limbs to look luminous and succulent...or something. But when you look like the Exxon Valdez is spilling out all over again from the base of your skirt, I start to consider buying stock in Jergens. Just saying. Girlfriend, we want you to look good. But this morning it was all I could do to hear what Starr Jones was saying since I was busy hunting through my kitchen cabinets looking for hand towels to mop up the excess grease on my TV screen. Oh...right...she was talking about Lindsey Lohan. Please refer to #1.
|Holy Canola Batman! Way to look slick.|
4. Gangnam Style needs to be Out Of Style. At once. I'm not sure, but I strongly suspect that The Today Show has some sort of contract agreement with Psy wherein they mention this insipid viral nonsense every twenty minutes until the end of time or until it finally falls out of favor with the nation's tween population. There's the robot doing Gangnam Style, the guy in Austin, TX who programmed his Christmas lights to synch with the tune and mocked up video of Matt Lauer doing the pony dance.
This "trend" has far outlived it's fifteen minutes as much as Kate Gosselin or the snuggie.
5. Commercials during news programming that reminds us that our bodies are breaking down.
I remember the Orajel commercials of yore that ran during the news when I was a kid. Shots of seniors digging into crisp apples and cobbs of corn with confidence. Dentures being plunged into fizzy glasses of Efferdent and contented Grandparents hitting the golf course without fear of leakage as they sport their Depends undergarments.
But that never applied to me.
Thankfully, those things still don't - I swear! But when Tommy Lee Jones is selling you Life Insurance and the announcer implores you to be "ready when that moment arrives"... well, damn...it's hard to focus on the fifteen house fires they just reported. It's twilight time, people. And I'm not talking about vampires.
|Yes...you're in the twilight of your life and you're in a bathtub at|
the beach waiting for your dick pill to kick in. Good times...
Look, all I'm saying is...this is some of the shit I'd like very much to not deal with when 2013 finally rolls around. Are you with me?