Awkward...

Yeah, life is full of awkward moments.  Those times you wish you could just fast forward through. Here is a list of some of the awkward moments I've survived. 

1.   That moment you get everyone's attention and you forget what you were going to say.  We've all been there.  I think.  There's some heavy discourse going on and you've got something to say.  Finally the floor is yours and all eyes are on you. You can hear the proverbial pin drop.  A bead of sweat forms on your brow.  Nothing. You've got nothing.  Every second, an eternity until your conversational cohorts decide to move on.  And that's when you remember what you were going to say.  You've blown it, friend. 

Stock Photo

2.  When you accidentally let one rip in an empty store aisle and a sales person comes over to ask if you need help.  This just happened to me the other day at the pet store.  I wish I could've blamed it on the dog food.  That stuff smells kind of iffy.  No, I didn't eat dog food, I'm talking about the ambient through the bag scent. What happened was, I let go with a silent but deadly post middle eastern food.  Let's not fool ourselves.  I'd be hard pressed to find much that's deadlier than falafel, grape leaves and spinach pie.  But it's cool.  I'm in the aisle alone.  In the back of the store.  I have enough time for the cloud to settle.  I begin waving my arm.  Unfortunately a helpful sales associate thinks I'm waving him over.  

Sales person:  "Do you need help?" 

You have no idea....

Me:  (trying to meet him halfway to keep him out of the cloud, but I manage to drag it along with me) "Uh...do you have anything for a senior small breed dog?" 

SP: (Expression on face indicative of someone who senses funk) "You probably need something that will be easy on the intestinal tract." 

I thought we were talking about the dog, dude...

Me: "Uh...yes...small bites, chicken and rice...whatever..." 

Why is it that you can never find a sales person unless you've either just cut one or you're Lindsay Lohan and you've just pocketed a $2,500 necklace?

3.  When your father in law gives you a copy of  the "Top 500 Dirty Jokes" for Christmas.  Oh yes.  It happened. I only wish I were kidding. Look, I know it was a matter of not knowing what to get me and picking up a copy of anything in the clearance aisle at Barnes & Noble on Christmas Eve.  I get that.  We've all been there.  But what I'm saying is that it was weird.  Especially when he encouraged me to read a few of them aloud.  Listen. I'll get out my uke and sing Deck the Halls, I'll dance a jig, I'll even get out the Twister.  On second thought, that's more awkward.  But I'm not regaling the family with dick jokes.  The only thing worse would be finding myself under the mistletoe with weird Uncle Ned. 

4.  The elevator.  That's it.  Just the elevator.  It's awkward.  That whole song and dance about who's gonna press the button.  The fact that we automatically look up at the ceiling to avoid eye contact as if there is anything up there to look at and even worse - when there is a mirror up there and we're all staring at each other avoiding eye contact.  Then the awkward small talk commences.  If you're with a small child it almost always revolves around the question of whether the kid is going to push the button or if the adult is a complete numb nut and ignores that your kid's happiness depends on pressing the damn button and goes ahead and presses it himself.  That person just opened up a can of whoop ass on everybody in that elevator.  Because your kid is going to whine and cry about it ad nauseum. You finally reach a floor and then what?  Do you say "have a nice day?"  Or do you look at the floor as if you just realized you stepped in dog shit?

5.  When you run into someone you know at the store, you stop and chat, say goodbye and then keep running into them.  This just happened to me the other day. Had a great chat with a neighbor and then kept seeing them in practically every aisle of the store.  After two awkward chuckles and exclamations of "I'm following you...haha..." followed by "Me again!..." You just duck and run, hoping they didn't see you.  Or...you pretend you're really really studying that bag of chips for nutritional content.  Worse yet, you ditch the your mission entirely and leave with a pack of gum and a bag of Cascade when you went in for a whole list of items. Now you have to go back and pity you if you run into somebody else. Because you're looking at three trips to Target in three days. 

And once, an acquaintance and I saw each other, put on the blinders and backed out of the aisle simultaneously in an epic duck and run attempt.  

We ended up in the checkout line next to each other.  

It reminds me of that sketch from Mr. Show where the guy says goodbye to his friend and then runs into him over and over on the way home, saying goodbye each time.  His friend dies an untimely death and at the funeral, one of his friends says "I never got to say goodbye."  The guy who kept running into him says "I did. A LOT." 

6.  The time the dog farted during Christmas dinner and I blamed it on Grandma.  Look, it's widely known that if you fart and the dog or Grandma are present, you blame one of them.  When the dog farted? There was only Grandma left to pin it on.  Why, you ask?  When the dog was guilty why not just own it?  I don't know...I panicked.  My mother wasn't too jazzed about the fact that I brought the dog to Christmas dinner in the first place and now he farted?  I just blurted out "Grandma...."  She didn't know what was going on anyway.  She was like 90 or something and she just sat there and chuckled.  "Ho ho ho!"  So I figure no harm, no foul.  Well...maybe just no harm.

7.  The time we were in the car and I kept asking my then toddler if he had a load in his pants, but later realized it was somebody's breath.  I really got on the poor kid's case too.  He insisted he hadn't pinched a loaf, but I persisted.  "It smells like poop!  Just go ahead and tell me so I can change your diaper. Whoo! That's bad.  We need to roll down the windows. Pull over so I can change that stinking diaper."  

Then we pulled over.  I checked the diaper.  Nothing.  Too bad Grandma wasn't there to blame it on.  Sorry Grandma...

8.  When you're in the store and the person next to you is talking to themselves.  Do you pretend it's not happening?  Do you try to comment to spare them the embarrassment?  Truth is, they usually aren't daunted in the least. 

9.  When you're at the gym and the person on the exercise bike next to you is digging for China. It happened. And I looked on in horror.  I also considered canceling my membership because although they have anti bacterial wipes for wiping down the equipment....ew....just ew.  It's one of those things you can't look away from. Like Snooki or Honey Boo Boo.

And then...then next day...when I'd gathered the courage to return...

10.  The guy next to me in yoga class lets out a huge fart during downward facing dog.  In which case, I blamed it on the downward facing dog.  I realize all that bodily contorting can just push it out of you.  But can't we all just try to clench our sphincters extra tightly while we're doing our sunny salutations. He didn't acknowledge it and Neither did anyone else.  It was LOUD. And smelly.  It came the morning after Super Bowl Sunday, when the yoga instructor had just joked about getting back in shape after going crazy with the game day eats.  This guy chimed in that he went a little overboard with the chili. Of course I was behind him. I couldn't really run for it.  All I could do was bury my face in the mat during child pose. When namasté turns nasty.

11.  The time I took my mom to see Vanilla Sky.  Shoulda watched the trailer more closely.  Shoulda read the reviews.  Wanted to crawl under a seat and die during the sex scenes and pretty much through the whole ridiculous thing as my mother sat there puzzled asking questions I couldn't answer because I didn't know what the hell was going on either.

Er...uh...popcorn, Mom?  Ya wanna go and get it?...Like now?

12.  The time I watched Bridesmaids with my mom and my 12 year old son. See above.  Do I ever learn?  I think we both know the answer to that.  The scene that accompanies the closing credits?  Excruciating.  The boy still has trouble eating subs.

My list is a little flatulence heavy, but there's a lot of awkward when it comes to farting.

So tell me - what are some of the most awkward moments you've endured?  On either end.