Here's the thing - I LOVE technology. Almost as much as I love coffee. Okay, maybe more. So when I got hold of this bundle of verbal joy, I was all over it. The Hubby and I each got an iPhone 4s when our previous plan was renewed and our 3Gs were hitting the skids. Everything was crashing. I took mine into the Apple store and the 18 year old skater punk iConsultant or whatever they're called (more like iFeelOldandReallyStupidNow) looked at it and said "Woah! Dude! This is like OLD! It's crashing because, like, in order to download all the updated software, it has to work like, REALLY hard and it can't handle it. You can like, keep it, but I'd just get a new one." Of COURSE you would, Dude. That's what they went over in the iNeedToSellMoreOfThisShit meeting, right? Okay, so shit is harsh. After all, I love Apple products. I know there are a lot of issues regarding where they are made, etc. I'm hip to it. That's another post. This is all about fluff, so let's get to it!
So The Hubby and I got the phones, brought them home, stood in the kitchen and Face Timed each other. Waving to each other. "Hey! Hey, I'm talking to you and seeing you at the same time! Woo Hoo!" Dorks. By the way, that was the only time we've used it. The Hubby is afraid to answer the phone when he sees it's me on the line. Why on earth is he going to pick up if he knows he can see my facial expressions too? The guy's ticker can only take so much. I love that he has it because he's on the road a lot for his job and he's always getting calls, texts and emails from clients and sub contractors. He uses his GPS a lot too and not only is it a no no here in Jersey to hold the phone while driving, it's freaking dangerous.
Me? I'm a tech head and I'm lazy. Perfect! Just talk into the thing. None of this pesky typing, like I was totally excited about 3 years ago. That was so three years ago. And of course I'm about as goofy as...uh.. well...Goofy. So I'm always asking her questions. Stupid ones. Some are the ones I've heard going around:
Me: Where are the bodies buried?
Siri: (In her unemotional robot voice) Would you like me to do a search for "where are the bodies buried?"
Me: No, Siri, I'd like you to just tell me.
Siri: I'm sorry Elleroy, I do not know where the bodies are buried.
Or how about the time I wanted to know more about her boss. Siri got a little surly.
Me: So where is Steve Jobs now, Siri?
Siri: How should I know?
Okay...sorry Siri. Chill, girlfriend. I know. Steve is so last October and now it's all about you, isn't it? Are you a little miffed that you were introduced on the 4S (supposedly named for Steve)?
There was the time I asked her to fart.
Me: Siri, do you fart?
Siri: Very funny Elleroy, now let's get back to work.
She keeps me in line. She's like a phone den mother. shudder.
There's the "wood chuck" thing, the "where are you" (Cupertino), "are you a real person" ("Close enough, I'd say.").
We've shared a couple of "moments", it's true. Though, they don't last long...
Me: Thank you Siri. (Because I'm so Catholic polite that I thank a machine.)
Siri: No one ever thanks me. I appreciate that.
Me: Aww...you're the best Siri.
Siri: I do not understand "You are the best Siri. Now let's get back to work."
Sometimes she frustrates me:
Me: (In a parking lot trying to text The Hubby) Text Kev.
Siri: Did you say "Kath?"
Me: No, I said Kev.
Siri: Texting Cat.
Me: (Now shouting at the phone while bystanders look on bemused at the crazy lady yelling at her cell phone) NO! I SAID KEV!!! After all...my friend Cat lives in England and would probably wonder why I'm texting her that I'll be right there.
And by the way...those commercials are pure rubbish. Leave it to celebrities to have the ideal Siri experience.
For instance, Malkovich:
Siri tells him a lovely little joke at the mere utterance of one word from Mr. M. "Joke". He's sitting there in his well appointed chateau somewhere, listening to opera while Siri regales him with humor. He laughs and tells her it's funny. She says something after that, I'm too pissed to remember what. It's good being John Malkovich...
So I decided to try it. Sans the chateau and the classical music of course.
Siri: I have found several places in your area that sell "Joe". Would you like me search for "Joe"?
Me: No, Siri, joke.
Siri: I do not see a "Joe" in your contacts.
Me: NO SIRI - JOKE! I WANT TO HEAR A JOKE!!
Siri: No need to shout Elleroy.
Me: Sorry Siri.
Siri: I do not understand "Sorry Siri".
Siri: (Finally) Two iPhones walk into a bar...
Me: That was funny!
Siri: I do not understand "funny".
Samuel Jackson in his gourmet kitchen discussing mushroom risotto....I tried that.
Me: Hey Siri, how about a mushroom risotto recipe?
Siri: Who are you trying to fool, Elleroy, you'll just fuck it up.
Okay...so maybe I made that up.
This is what really happened:
Me: Siri, how about some mushrooms for my risotto.
Siri: Elleroy, I don't understand "mushrooms for my rizetto.
Of course, while I'm doing this, the phone is on the counter and I have the Today Show on in the background. I don't know what they're saying because I'm not listening, but I told you I'm codependent, so I just like to have voices in the background. That way, if the ones in my head aren't blathering on about something, I at least have back up. But Siri picks up on it.
Siri: Calling (name of person she intends to call).
Me: No! No! No! (feverishly pressing the button. What do I say when the call - to someone I never call because we don't know each other very well - goes through? Uh...hi...my robot phone called you. So...how YOU do' un..." Or worse, they pick up and hear me shouting "No! No! No! Don't call them!"
Now I'm all paranoid and afraid to say anything out loud for fear she'll call someone and they'll hear me muttering to myself "God, my butt itches..." or singing "They're coming to take me away, ha ha hee hee ho ho....to the funny farm..." So there goes one of my favorite pastimes...talking to myself. I'm sorry self, I know I'll be lonely. That's okay, self. I understand.
Oh, and who doesn't love this gooey cute Zooey Deschanel commercial where she's all PJ'd up and it's raining...
Me: Is that rain?
Siri: Checking your location. No rain in sight.
That's because it's sunny...DOH!
Me: Let's order tomato soup!
Me: Let's order TO-MA-TO SOUP! (Pronounced tomāto because Webster's just announced that tomato is no longer viable. You say tomato, I say tomahto, but Webster's calling the whole thing off.)
I wait. And wait. Little purple circle goes around and around and around. I'm not complaining. This is trés cool. But not as instantaneous as the commercial. Finally, Siri finds me no fewer than twelve locations that mention tomato soup on the menu.
Me: Le'ts dance!
Siri finds me a Let's Dance Studio.
Me: Play Shake Rattle n Roll.
She couldn't find it because of course, I don't have it. Now who's messing with who Siri? Bwahaha!
Me: Who's messing with WHO? Or Who's messing with WHOM, Siri?
Siri: Would you like me to search for "Who's messing with who or who's messing with HOME?"